When I Stand Alone (I Don't Need No Memories)
by Kallanda Lee
Summary: A Bucky-centric fic that explores some feelings and events after the end of Captain America: The Winter Soldier. It will take you into the broken minds of broken people. Not the happiest thing I've ever written, so here's your fair warning. Not a shippy fic, but strong friendship themes, and maybe some Steve/Bucky undertones if you squint really hard.


Chapter 1 - The Night is Full of Tears

The streets were almost empty now that the sunset robbed the world of light. His clothes were still wet, and it was colder as night fell, chilling him to his bones. He tried very hard not to think about his physical discomfort, but it came harder to him now that he no longer has a mission or a goal.

As the last people disappeared from sight, his eyes locked on his target: a silver-colored car that was hidden from the all-revealing street lights by shadows cast from a nearby building. He forced the lock open by muscle memory and lifted his aching body into the drivers' seat. The alarm started wailing, and it made him physically cringe. His right arm - broken and difficult to move - reached for the shift stick and tried to put the vehicle in first gear. Muscle memory, too, from a time that no longer existed. The car was an automatic, he realized. Had he driven one of those before? On some mission, surely, he must have. But whatever programming or training he might have gotten then, he could not for the life of him remember how he was supposed to drive the damn thing. Not much point in trying to steal a car you can't drive, he thought.

"What the hell's going on down there?", an angry voice sounded from the distance. An elderly woman, determined and unafraid despite her advanced years and her fragile frame, was leaning out of her window. She was peering in his general direction; her attention drawn by the unrelenting car alarm that no-one else seemed to take notice of.

_A woman after my own heart_. The thought came to him out of nowhere, catching him off guard. It was gone as quick as it came, like a shard of a childhood memory that was mostly eroded by time, but still remembered on a primal level. He pushed the thought away, deliberately avoiding triggering the deep pools of his mind that had been untouched for decades. How could he know his heart, he pondered, if he did not even know who he was? It was silliness. A frivolous thought exercise he could not afford right now.

Realizing he was drawing unwanted attention and that he wasn't going to get the car to start, he accepted defeat and willed his aching body into motion again. He nearly lost his balance as his feet hit the concrete. His step turned into a limp, but he recovered before gravity got the best of him. He was holding his composure by willpower alone. He was tired and cold and hungry. His mouth tasted of blood and copper. And the pain - God, the pain was unbearable. One side of his pants was wetter than the rest of him, and he knew it was blood, not water causing the stain. His arm felt weak and fragile, and he very much tried not to think of the fact he might lose this one, too, without proper medical care - and there would be no fancy cybernetic replacement this time. All he wanted was to lay down, close his eyes and get some sleep. But the city would give him no release.

He walked for hours, switching to a sort of automatic pilot, desperately seeking a place where he could rest his broken body.

He could keep going if he could just keep up the rhythm of putting one foot in front of another.  
He could keep going if he could will himself to reject despair.  
He could keep going if the pain was only physical and his mind was empty.  
He could going if he was a weapon and not a man.  
He could keep going, he told himself, even as his legs failed him and he collapsed to his knees.

His body would go no further, he realized, no matter how much he needed it to. He studied his surroundings, looking for shelter. He had ended up in some sort of suburb, it seemed. There were large,stand-alone houses surrounded by well-kept gardens and clean pavements that were decorated by neatly-positioned trees. He could even spot a white picket fence from the corner of his eye.

He was hit by two conflicting emotions at the same time. The first, a feeling of loss and dread for a future that was robbed from him. The American Dream he had hoped to dream when he was just a boy, hoping one day he'd make enough money to move to a place like this - maybe raise a family, get a dog, grow old happy. The second, a feeling of resentment and disgust at all that that dream represented, installed in his mind by being trained by the Soviets, by being the Winter Soldier. Those two thoughts existed simultaneously in his mind - and he wanted to withdraw from both of them but couldn't. He was too tired to fight it.

Then came the sinking feeling, the realization that had already formed at the back of his mind but he had not dared acknowledge until now: that he was *both* Captain America's friend *and* the Winter Soldier - and no matter how they tried, all the King's horses and all the King's men, could not separate those two again. Once those memories would start coming to the surface in full force, his mind would hold the lives of both a hero and a killer - inseparably entangled in the same neural network. And he wasn't sure that, when that day would inevitably arrive, he'd be able to stop himself from cutting out his own heart just to stop it from hurting.

He dragged himself to his feet, managing a few desperate steps, before he fell to the pavement again. He tried to fight back his tears, but failed, and bit his own lip as punishment for his weakness. Another thought welled up, one that made it difficult for him to pull another breath into his already aching lungs. What if it wasn't the Russians who made him feel disgust and resentment? What if he just hated these people for having that which he now could never have? What if the hate was just him - only him, and not the brainwashing or the training? More tears welled up in his eyes. He bit his lip harder, and hated himself a little more.

He wondered if perhaps he could end it all - right here, right now. He still had a gun. He still had bullets. It would only take one, for a well-trained killer. One bullet and there would be no more pain, ever. One bullet and he'd never disappoint himself or anyone else again.

But then came the realization that that wasn't true. That come morning, he might be discovered by a little boy or little girl on their way to school - traumatizing them, taking away their innocence and sense of normalcy, just as it was taken from him. He wouldn't wish that upon another living soul, let alone a child.

Despair nestled itself into his heart and he felt trapped by both his body and his mind.

It was then that he saw it through the leaves. It was just some kid's shaggy treehouse but to him it was better than all the gold in the world. He was lucky that it was long after midnight, and his presence in the area had gone unnoticed. He desperately tried to reach the treehouse , more crawling than walking. After what seemed an eternity, he let himself fall the the ground, leaning against the tree trunk. He breathed heavily as his metal fingers wrapped themselves around the wooden ladder. Looking up, those few feet he needed to climb seemed like an insurmountable task. The metal appendage was the only part of his body that wasn't firing desperate signals of pain to his brain. Sadly, not the same could be said of the shoulder it was attached to - that hurt all the more. Forcing his body to exert itself one last time, hem managed to pull himself up by the prosthesis. His legs, little more than dead weight now, made the final effort.

He hit the threehouse's floor with his full weight and was amazed it had actually managed to hold him. As his eyes adjusted to the dark, he looked around and realized it probably belonged to a little girl. There were pastel-colored cushions with happy-looking embroidered animals, like frogs and owls, positioned on the floor in a way one could sit on them. In the middle stood a little table with floral inlays, and on top of that a set of very small teacups and a matching little teapot. He dragged his body forward, trying not to break anything. He reached for the cushions, positioning them together with the last of his strength, so they formed a very basic, makeshift bed.

"Thank you, thank you," he whispered barely audibly - to God, maybe, or Lady Luck, or whatever power that could influence his fate. Himself, even, maybe - as his own name was right up on that list of 'things he didn't believe in'.

He lay down on his back, his body thanking him for finally giving it what it needed. He stretched his broken arm out away from his body, not wanting to damage it as he slept. He flexed his fingers and was immediately subjected to a jolt of pain. He would try to tend to it in the morning, as he did not have the strength now.

"Please let me keep this one. Please." he pleaded once again to any higher entity that might be listening. He could feel tears well up in his eyes again, but felt he wouldn't even have the strength to cry now, even if he wanted to. He looked up at the ceiling, where there was only darkness. As his eyelids grew too heavy to keep open, his metal arm found one of the cushion and pressed it against his chest, semi-hugging it for comfort as sleep came to claim him.

Then the dreams came, and the dreams were full of memories. The memories were full of pain, and the night was full of tears.


End file.
